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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The new element has been named Hillarium. The chemical symbol of Hillarium is Bs.
Hillarium has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Hillarium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Hillarium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Hillarium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Hillarium activates CNNadnausium and MSNBCobnoxium, elements that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since each has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Hillarium. Hillarium has also been reported in some war torn countries to inexplicably draw sniper fire out of thin air where no snipers are present, and to cause shoes to catapult across the room as a result of intense attraction to Hillarium.
Since it has no electrons, Hillarium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Hillarium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Paradoxically, in the presence of anti-morons, Hillarium is highly corrosive. The presence of Hillarium is also easily detected using Gagger Counters. When combined with the deadly slick clintonious virus it serves as a catalyst for creating stains on blue dresses. It is also known for impeding the justice process whenever involved in those reactions.
Hillarium appears to have a normal half-life which inexplicably varies between four and six years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Hillarium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Heightened levels of toxicity have been detected in the presence of low information voters. A single spontaneous incidence of mass moron emission from the Hillarium element has been documented. The morons were apparently stripped away during the Obala Supernova formation event which, with subsequent isodope formation, collapsed into a particularly small dense black hole.
Scientists point out that Hillarium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Human mortalities have resulted from exposure to Hillarium. Hillarium threatens to become a pandemic by 2016. Infection symptoms need to be more thoroughly researched, but appear to include a loss of all logical and critical thinking abilities, extensive memory loss related to crucial issues, loss of all consideration for others, onset of paranoia and conspiracy theory predilections (commonly heard are protestations of a "vast right wing conspiracy" and a "War on Women" -- in which ironically Kennedy has the first confirmed kill), and, of course, the already noted tendency towards fatalities.
Generous use of prophylactic doses of Intense Reality® as soon as possible after possible exposure to Hillarium is a prudent and wise precaution. Large doses of Fiscal and Constitutional Conservatism may be particularly useful. Encourage all your friends and family to take similar precautions, and vote for candidates in 2016 who will work to protect us from the possible scourge of a Hillarium pandemic. Some believe that Palinium, or even Cruzite, is an instant cure - but frankly that research assumed non-Gruberian Statistics. Experimental validation is currently underway in nation-wide clinical trials. Attempts are being made to determine how Hillarium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Q: Would it be possible for you to address shelf life?
A: Research results are inclusive to date. Recent indications suggest that more significant decay may have occurred than was generally realized, so there is hope for lessened effects in the near future.
Q: Are there any know uses for Hillarium? I've spent quite some time looking and have yet to find any."
A: No useful or beneficial applications of Hillarium have been discovered to date, although a few researchers are determined to find some and continue trying.
